Really Bad Opening Lines to Novels

A couple weeks ago I posted an article about Elmore Leonard's great opening lines. I also mentioned that my Steve Dancy Tales opening line uncreatively designated the book's sequence in the series. 

All opening lines, however, are not great. In fact, most are humdrum. So much emphasis has been placed on opening lines that authors agonize over their first sentences. Actually, there's much more to be nervous about. Authors actually have 50-100 words to capture the reader's attention. Instead of tormenting themselves over a mere sentence, writers can fear two or three paragraphs. That's plenty of opportunity to drive an author completely around the bend. 

Thought Catalog has published 33 Of The Most Hilariously Terrible First Sentences In Literature History. Most of these are truly terrible, but a few appear so bad I can't help but wonder if they were meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Maybe not. One lesson to take away from these examples is to never appear writerly. Trying too hard often strings words together that jolt the consciousness. Sometimes that is a good thing, but some words and phrases should remain quarantined for eternity.

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Opening Lines to a Novel

Something Fun!

I'm in New York City visiting my son and his family. Okay, my son is really on a business trip and I'm filling in for him at a father/daughter event. The event was last night and we had a great time cruising the Hudson River. My son will be back this evening, so we'll have the weekend to catch-up and watch his son play a double-header. Since I'll be busy with more important matters, here is something fun. I never would have guessed that this was the most popular line in film.

 

New Steve Dancy Tales Book Trailer

I'm not sure if book trailers sell books, but they seem to be the rage, so here is a new trailer for The Steve Dancy Tales. Comments welcome.

I beg to disagree

Writer’s Digest is not my favorite source for writing advice. Actually, the magazine and companion website are not even on my radar. I have found Writer’s Digest articles arcane or commonplace. Sometimes they are downright wrong. Recently they published “5 Mistakes to Avoid When Writing a Fiction Series” by Rachel Randall, the managing editor for Writer’s Digest Books. Since I write a fiction series, I looked up this article. It pulled off the difficult task of simultaneously being arcane, commonplace, and wrong.

The “5 Mistakes” were commonplace, but the advice on how to avoid them was often arcane. Like everything in this magazine, it is writing by formula. It’s all about the mechanics. This may work for their readership, but not for me.

Calling the article wrong is probably an overstatement. The content is correct. The problem is omission. The “5 Mistakes” have nothing to do with why readers adopt a fiction series. Readers pick up the next installment of a fiction series because they want to learn what happened to the characters in the story. Readers must be invested in the characters. In fact, I believe characterization is the sole key to a fiction series.

Writers need to know their characters. Thoroughly. If a writer truly understands his or her characters, many of the “5 Mistakes” will be avoided automatically. Characters have a personality, a backstory, and a network of friends and acquaintances. They do not behave inconsistent with these characteristics. Like real people, fictional characters don’t change willy-nilly—they constantly change and/or grow, but the reader must witness this challenging process. (Breaking Bad is a good example.)

The “5 Mistakes” article misses the greatest mistake in fiction series—poor character development. A great deal of series fiction puts too much emphasis on technological wizardry, relentless quests, or slow revelation of a mystery. These authors forget to populate their plots with characters that readers care about. And in the end, that is what matters most.

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Honest westerns filled with dishonest characters.

Writing Tools of Famous Authors

Flavorwire published a list of writing tools used by famous authors. I was disappointed in the article because they failed to ask me about my favorite writing tools. What could they be thinking?

Anyway, to fill in the record, here are my top three writing tools. 1) coffee, 2) a laptop, and 3), my imagination. Put those three ingredients together and books pop out. Okay, they don’t exactly pop. More like creep. Even after they emerge full-born, they're unruly, demanding of attention, and a bit messy. They’re my babies, so I immediately use the same tools to whip them into shape—figuratively speaking, of course.

 

I’m not sure how earlier authors wrote in longhand. In fact, the further away I get from those awful pages filled with slashes and O’s, the harder it is for me to even write a check legibly. Four-function calculators ruined my ability to multiply and divide; now I can’t write without a trusty computer. 

I once wrote a book in longhand and paid a typist to produce a readable copy. After reading the supposedly readable copy, I revised the gibberish and paid to have it typed again. No wonder I gave up. I couldn't even grip a golf club properly after a few hours of writing. 

Does that mean the old masters were better writers than a modern day author with moon-launch technology at their fingertips? Yes.

I'll never quit admiring authors who composed entire works with pen or pencil and a few reams of paper. James Madison wrote over 200,000 words when taking notes at the Constitutional Convention. That was in addition to his contributions to the Federalist Papers and countless letters to friends, neighbors, and enemies. Shakespeare wrote 38 plays, 154 sonnets, and 2 epic poems. Both men's hands were perpetually ink-stained from writing with quill pens. Mozart walked around in public with a blackened hand as well. Early writers and composers had to do it all in their head, without the capability to save multiple versions, print endless copies, or cut and paste words or whole sections of a work.

I enjoy writing, but I do not have that kind of talent. So, I'm happy to live in an era with magical word processors that make it easy to rewrite. Come to think of it, I'm also happy to live in an era with flush toilets.

10 Writing "Rules" Western Authors Should Break

JR Sanders posted on Facebook for Western Writers of America an io9 article titled “10 Writing ‘Rules’ We Wish More Science Fiction and Fantasy Authors Would Break,” with a challenge to list Western rules that should be broken. At the risk of offending everyone, here is my unordered list.

1. Women portrayed only as prostitutes, schoolmarms, or long-suffering wives.

How about making a woman the villain? Or put a gun, reins, or a pen in her hand.

2. Homogeneous portrayal of American Indians

The culture of Indian tribes varied as much as Yankees and Southerners

3. Tombstone portrayed as a cattle town

Tombstone was a mining town. Everybody didn’t migrate west to chase errant cows or string barbed wire

4. Saloons portrayed as the sole entertainment in the West

Tombstone had ice crème parlors and a bowling alley. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance made good plot use of a restaurant.

5. Gunfights portrayed as righteous, standup duels with the bad guy drawing first

Some researchers have concluded that most gunfights occurred within three feet.

6. Railroad tycoons portrayed as handy villains

This is such a cliché we’re ready to boo as soon as any railroad owner steps onto the page or screen.

7. Regular townsfolk and sodbusters portrayed as sniveling weaklings

These were pioneers, for goodness sakes. They wouldn’t have ventured west if they had no backbone.

8. Everyone in the West portrayed as dressing like cowboys

For example, miners wore squared toed boots and professionals and business owners wore suits.

9. The West portrayed as near childless

Kids are usually just props, but look how well breaking this rule worked for True Grit

10. The hero portrayed as riding off into the sunset.

I had fun with the end of The Shopkeeper by writing, “We rode out of Mason Valley with the sun at our backs."

And now starring ...

Good books can make good movies. This is especially true if the script is true to the book. This doesn't mean a movie should doggedly follow a book. Film and novels are different mediums. They present stories through different senses, so there must be an adaptation from one media to another. Gifted scriptwriters know how to do this, as can be seen in Lonesome Dove. The reverse is seldom true. When novels are written to take advantage of a hit movie, they are invariably cinematic, not literary.

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On the other hand, can good movies be made about books? BookRiot has published a list of 17 movies starring books. There are some good films on this list, but they make me wonder. Do writers get tired of making heroes out of cops and detectives, Cowboys on horseback or in pickups, teenage vampire killers, or even people working in exceptionally boring crime labs? Do they decide, hey, what about us? We can be heroic … and besides, we control the keyboard.

Don’t know, but movies about books are much more interesting than movies about writing. I mean, how exciting is writer’s block? Does the actor type faster to pick up the pace of the story? The pen is mightier than the sword, but a typewriter makes an awkward weapon. Writers can be interesting characters, but outside the author’s mind, writing looks as dull as running a DNA test. Humm? Anyway, the better movies on this list focus on the writers and their books, not the act of creation.

By the way, where is Little Women on this list?

The Wild West—an Escape from Despair

Jacob Riis was a late nineteenth century social reformer who used his camera to expose parts of New York City avoided by the smart set. He ventured into the poor districts ruled by gangs. Daily life for the unfortunate inhabitants was dismal and violent … far more violent than the infamous Wild West. The film, Gangs of New York, focused on a small time frame covered by the 1928 book by Herbert Asbury.

Jabob Riis

In The Return, I wanted to show New York’s explosive progress in technology and wealth creation, while a few blocks away gangs and lawlessness dominated neighborhoods. A common misconception is that the Wild West was ignorant, lawless and lacking in basic comforts, while eastern cities were cultured and ordered, with the basic amenities close at hand. Eastern city slums couldn’t hold a candle to safety and opportunity on the frontier. For many, the West was a chance for a new start in life, one with more promise than a bleak future in the East. Hope drove the mass migrations to the frontier. People endured hardship on the chance of securing a better future for themselves and their families. In truth, that is the great story of the Wild West.

Jacob Riis

Jacob Riis

Jacob Riis

The Return, A Steve Dancy Tale